What Are You Conscious Admiring Influences?

By: Eeleen Lee on 9:29 pm

The title of this post is taken from this excellent interview with China Mieville - Arthur C. Clarke award-winning author of 'Perdidio Street Station', 'UnLundun'  and 'The City And the City'. "Kraken" is his latest novel and it is released this month.



Mieville mentions being influenced by numerous writers and works; elements that you may not be aware at the time of writing, of being influenced by things you hate. However he mentions a strong debt to Mervyn Peake's Gormenghast trilogy as a Conscious Admiring Influence.

Who or what are some of your Conscious Admiring Influences? They include writers/poets/playwrights/ actors/directors/painters/ etc..., books, poems, passages or even phrases that set off inspirational fireworks in your nascent creative consciousness.

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Cover Art(illery)

By: Eeleen Lee on 3:50 am

Bang! Pow! Zum Tum Tum! Striking sci-fi and horror book covers that make the maximum (positive) impact. Movie tie-in posters and reproduced photography/artwork do not count and names of photographers and illustrators included where possible.

1. R.U.R. (Rossum's Universal Robots) by Karel Čapek
Penguin Edition 2004 (cover photo credit- Bob Esdale)
Czech playwright Capek did not coin the word 'robot' in his best known play 'R.U.R'': that credit goes to his brother Joseph. A disturbing image; four AA batteries embedded in the back of the cranium, creepily reminiscent of cyberpunk 'jack-in' portals and implanted microchips.

2. Dune by Frank Herbert (SF Masterworks hardcover edition 2007) 
There's a gi-normous worm on the cover, poised to swallow everything that can't get out if its way- what more do you want? Other covers depict the Arrakeen desert, spacecraft and multiple sand worms ridden by the Fremen of Arrakis, but less worms are definitely more.

3. The Spook House Ambrose Bierce. Cover illustration by Coralie Bickford-Smith (2008 Penguin reprint)
The jagged imagery reminds me of Saul Bass' opening movie credits, especially the one for 'Psycho'. You can almost hear the animated knives slashing through the cover.

4. I Am Legend Richard Matheson (SF Masterworks reissue 1999). Cover Illustration by Jim Thiesen
"Hello Hollywood? Take a look at this book cover. Yes I know this has been made thrice into a movie but this cover is scarier than all three films edited together. This is what a post apocalyptic nightmare of the undead is supposed to look like! Not a major star wondering around the ruins of New York looking for his dinner."






4. Eon Greg Bear (Victor Gollancz reissue 2009) Design by Sanda Zahirovic



Utterly striking book cover but provokes divisive reactions. I've veered from regarding it as "contemporary and minimalist" to "Who's been playing in the publishing office's recycled paper basket during lunchtime?" and back again. 


5. A Clockwork Orange Anthony Burgess (Penguin editions clockwise from top left: David Pelham (1972); top right: photography by Lionel F Williams (Eye) and SOA / Photonica (Cogs) (1996).Bottom left and right: photography by Véronique Rolland (2000 & 2008).

I know I'm cheating here but I love all four covers, even the Tate Modernesque photos of glasses of milk. I don't own any of them, in fact my copy is the 1986 Norton edition with flames and the lower screaming half of a man's face. It doesn't sound exciting but I've seen worse literal covers for this book with mechanical oranges and cogwheels.

6. Japanese Tales of Mystery and Imagination Edogawa Rampo. cover illustration by Bolger Edward (Tuttle 1956)


Bow down to the Grandfather of the Japanese mystery tale! Let this cover hijack your attention before you open this book of bizarre psychological horror tales. The chair on the cover refers to Rampo's most famous short story 'The Human Chair', which will scare you off buying comfy sofas and armchairs. For life.

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Cover Argh!

By: Eeleen Lee on 9:15 pm

Horror book covers used to be a ghoulish delight, now I find them rather abstract and minimalist. In the 1980s, I loved the WH Smiths in Finchley Road and Brent Cross, London UK because they stocked an extensive range of horror books. Back then, I was too young to read the titles but I loved looking at the book covers because they scared the sh*t out of me. Scary films do not give me nightmares but these covers in their glossy lurid glory (or gory) were highly effective at making me not read the contents of the books until well into adulthood.

1) 'The Spear' James Herbert (1981)
Those glaring red eyes! That disturbingly phallic spear held by a skeletal hand! All set against an impenetrable black background! I suppose the cover artist showed the publisher a rough rendition got the rest of the week off for this work as a bonus.

2) 'Slugs' Shaun Hutson (1982)
Hokey as this novel seems now and since made into a very cheesy B-movie in 1988, perhaps the only genuine shudders are provoked by this first-edition cover art. A slug slowly nibbling the corner of some unfortunate woman's eyeball - although now I believe perhaps a pinch of salt would kill the pesky thing?

3) 'Books of Blood Volume 4' aka 'The Inhuman Condition' Clive Barker (1985)
The man's brain is exposed while his body is dissolving into ribbons, and yet his eyes are full of manic glee - he really shouldn't be enjoying his ordeal. This cover seriously scared me when I was seven but when I later discovered that the cover art was also painted by the author, I *had* to read the book just to find out whether the contents measure up to the cover. They do. (This book contains the short story 'The Forbidden' which was adapted into the film 'Candyman' in 1992)

4) 'Communion' Whitley Strieber (1988)
There's a good reason why I do not believe that the little green men will be cute, cuddly and benevolent if they visit this planet. This book cover is that reason - do those eyes say 'We come in peace'?! No, they say ,'We come to send rectal probes to Uranus!'

5) 'It' Stephen King (1988)
"Where's the clown?" you may ask. The clown owes much to Tim Curry's terrifying portrayal in the miniseries adaptation and subsequent editions later put the clown on the cover. However, this simple and very understated cover art hints at a monstrous menace hiding just under the ordinary streets where children play. 

6) Spooky Stories 1 edited by Barbara Ireson (1982)
The first volume in a great anthology series (for children!) with a cover so unnerving that my mother hated it. Grubby fingernails, decayed teeth and wild staring eyes- urghhh!














7) 'Koko' Peter Straub (1988)

Not really disturbing for me when I was 10 but more grungy, grainy and very enigmatic; What or who is 'Koko'? I remember reading the back cover; its about Vietnam War veterans trying to catch a serial killer (hence the camouflage paint on the face) Thankfully reprinted in 2009, so I can finally read it to find out.

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Favourite Authors

By: Eeleen Lee on 4:12 pm

In no particular order, not an exhaustive list and not excluded to the following;

1. Ian McEwan
2. Joseph Conrad
3. Aldous Huxley
4. J.G Ballard
5. Graham Swift
6. M.R James
7. Daphne du Maurier
8. Clive Barker
9. Evelyn Waugh
10. Saki

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Obscure Horrors

By: Eeleen Lee on 6:57 pm

I thought I might save this post for Halloween, but then again, Halloween is a season for carnivalesque safe scares; you pays your money, enter the ghost-train ride and emerge on the other side unscathed. The ride is easily forgotten and the memory is disposable, whereas a great horror story errrrmm...haunts you.

Alison Flood's article article in The Guardian set me thinking about horror/supernatural fiction. Readers cite the usual horror suspects (King, Poe, Shirley Jackson...) but I remember as a reader that my literary scares came from reading short stories in old anthologies borrowed from libraries or unearthed in clearance book sales. I discovered new names and old names; wonderful tales by one-hit wonders and stories by writers that you'd normally would not associate with horror/ supernatural fiction.

It wouldn't be useful to name some of these old anthologies because some are long out of print, but links to more available editions  are included where possible.

1)  "Not Exactly Ghosts"  Andrew Caldecott (Wordsworth Editions 2007)
Sir Andrew Caldecott is better known as a diplomat and ex-governor of Hong Kong and Singapore. His administrative legacy endures (Mediacorp, the home of Singapore Broadcasting, resides on Caldecott Hill) but his literary legacy is criminally underrated. Buy this if you want subtle early 20th-Century ghost stories, where mundane objects like a pump, a pair of trousers and a church organ are haunted .

2)"The Party" "The Partnership" William F. Nolan
What? Horror from one of the writers of "Logan's Run"? I had to struggle to put the 1976 movie out of my head, Nolan writes superb dark psychological tales and "The Party" was as chosen by Newsweek as one of the top ten most effective horror stories. "The Partnership" is an unsettling sample of American Gothic that was adapted for the anthology TV series "Darkroom" in 1980. Now I want a copy of "Logan's Run" because the book is much grittier and deserves better, before Hollywood got its mitts on it for the movie.

3)"Video Nasty" Phillip Pullman (1996). Published in "The Mammoth Book of Modern Ghost Stories" edited by Peter Haining (Mammoth Books 2007)

Yes, dear reader you read the name correctly as him of "Northern Lights" fame . Just like its title, "Video Nasty" is an unmercifully visceral short ghost story that raises more troubling questions than answers. Parallels between 'The Ring' are merely coincidental (it was written 3 years before the Japanese film version hit mainstream Western audiences)

4) The Machine Stops E.M Forster
A dystopian science-fiction story by one of the foremost critics of science-fiction. This is not a horror story but I urge you not to shudder at Forster's vision of future humans reduced to fungoid growths by their slavish dependence on technology.

5) The Lamp Agatha Christie(1933). Published in"The Hound of Death and other stories"  (Harper Collins Ltd)
The Queen of Crime also reigns supreme as a ghost story writer . Poignant and eerie, "The Lamp" has a unique atmosphere that does not disperse, even when you have switched on all the lights.

6) All But Empty Graham Greene
A murder is connected to an afternoon matinee attended by only two people. Invariably, there is a twist ending but *what* a twist it is.

7) Close Behind Him John Wyndham
In his famous novels such as 'The Day of the Triffids' and 'The Midwich Cuckoos', Wyndham created his own genre of 'logical fantasy' and he applies the same precise structuring and prose to this story of murder avenged.

8) The Ball Room China Mieville "Looking For Jake and Other Stories" (Pan, 2006)
Can China Mieville's prose hack it in a real-world setting? It does and you almost wish he wrote more contemporary fiction. You will never dare go near a children's play area after reading this.

9) The Dancing Partner Jerome K. Jerome
The author of the classic comic novel "Three Men In a Boat" displays a rarely-seen warped sense of humour in this tale of a toy dancing-partner that *never* wants to stop dancing.

10) The Signalman Charles Dickens
Incisive social commentary of Victorian England? Check. Effortless lucid prose from a master writer? Check. Eccentric ghosts a la "A Christmas Carol"? Absent. A disturbing ending that ensures sleeping with all the lights on? Present.

Other suggestions/ additions to this list? Comment below thank you

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This Is Really Not A Love Song.

By: Eeleen Lee on 10:22 am

Bruce Springsteen sang in 'No Retreat No Surrender'  that you can learn more from a three minute record than you can ever learn in school. Track down that old form teacher who confiscated your walkman/ discman/ mp3 player and show him/her the following list! Who said popular songs are all vacuous fluff and confection?

1. 'Being Boiled' (1981) The Human League
Phil Oakey and company stand up for animal rights and protests against the mass exploitation of silkworms.
Vocabulary enriching lyric: "sericulture" (The cultivation of silkworms for silk)


2. 'Free Your Mind' (1992) En Vogue
Don't judge by appearances! Down with damaging stereotypes! These four ladies rap and roar their polemic, although their leather and lace costumes in the video does dent their credibility.
Vocabulary enriching lyric: "synecdoche"  (Using a small part, such as an individual, to judge a whole group, i.e race or culture in the case of this song)


3. "Remembrance Day" (1987) Bryan Adams
Everything he does is not just MOR rock and aweshucks love balladry. Here's a restrained tribute to the role of Canadian soldiers in World War I.
Interesting Fact written into song lyrics: "By October 1918, Cambrai had fallen"  Surely the only reference to the 1918 Hundred Days Offensive by the Allied Powers, in rock music?


4. "Wuthering Heights" (1979) Kate Bush
It doesn't get more literary than this tune. The haunting refrain of 'Heathcliff! Its me, Cathy! I've come home, let me into your window!" evokes and distills the essence of Emily Bronte's classic novel more effectively than a dozen Yorknotes study guides.


5. "One Week" (1998) Barenaked Ladies
There has to be one pop-culture referencing song on this list. Jason Mraz has based his entire career around this song and with good reason, the references fly in, in a relentless stream:, Alfred Hitchcock and Akira Kurosawa, Harrison Ford and Aquaman are namechecked.


6. "Enola Gay" (1984) Orchestral Manoevres in the Dark
More history, now its World War 2, or to be more specific, the end of WW2. OMD sing about the plane that dropped the atom bomb on Hiroshima.
Interesting fact worked into song title: The name of the plane! Genius!


7. "Invisible Sun" (1981) The Police
A dark song about the political tensions in Northern Ireland, but not difficult to listen to. Banned by the BBC upon release - how rock and roll is that?
Vocabulary enriching lyric: 'armalite'. aka the AR-18 assault rifle.


8. "Cemetry Gates" (1987) The Smiths
Smart lyrics from Morissey, the Ocasr Wilde-o-phile. Apparantly about poetry battles and questions of attribution that take place in the titular graveyard.
Educational advice written into lyrics : A warning against plagiarism: "Always someone somewhere, with a big nose  who knows!"


9. "Once In a Lifetime" (1980) Talking Heads
You may have first heard this song used in the trailer for 'The Truman Show' It combines existentialism and fears of looming mid-life crisis with a beautiful chorus that, once heard, may never leave your brain.
Educational note on music video: Incorporates footage of tribal dancing and sign language (and I'm not referring to David Byrne's dancing and hand gestures..)


10. "MLK" (1984) U2
"Pride In the Name of Love" maybe the more obvious song about Martin Luther King, but 'MLK" is the shorter and more subtle piece.


Do you have any examples of smart pop(ular) songs? Post them in Comments please.

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A User's Guide to Mythological Objects.

By: Eeleen Lee on 4:44 pm

In honour of the upcoming remake of 'Clash of the Titans', let's get technical.  These items should have come with proper instructions, mortals are ill-equipped to handle or construct these objects. Its like giving a lightning bolt to a three-year old (unless the three-year old is Hercules...)

Gorgon's Head
Why isn't my target turning into stone?
Check that your target is standing no more than 3m away from you and making direct eye contact with the Gorgon's face. Using a mirror, check that both eyes of the Gorgon are completely open.

Warning: In the event of accidental petrification, consult a sorcerer or deity of your choice.
We are not liable for mishaps arising from the intentional/ unintentional misuse of your  Gorgon's head. In irreversible cases, we recommend that the statues be assigned new functions as garden ornaments and subjects of dinner-party conversation.

Golden Fleece
Although of divine origins, always wash your golden fleece in lukewarm water with mild detergent after use and drip-dry.

Pandora's Box
Read the warning stated on the outside. Includes Hope.

Trojan Horse
Functions only as a decoy, not as an armoured vehicle.
Do not exceed stated capacity.
Does not include toilet or other amenities.
Recommended for overnight use only.

Labrinyth
(Minotaur sold separately) If lost, please find your way out by following the thread.

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Literary Cocktails

By: Eeleen Lee on 5:32 pm

Wait till I start a literary cafe, or a bar....

1. The Master And Margarita
2. The Turn of the Screwdriver
3. Love In the Time of Kahlua
4. Atonicment
5. Olive-r Twister
6. White Russian Fang
7. Cider With Rosies
8. A Clockwork Orange de menthe
9. The Last Mimosa
10. Treasure Island Iced Tea
11. Of Mice and Menthe
12. Death In Venice (a title that would make a great cocktail name..)
13. A Farewell to Armaretto
14. Brighton (on the) Rocks
15. The Island of Dr. Cointreau
16. Tyger Beer! Tyger Beer!
17. To Distill A Mockingbird
18. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead-Drunk
19. No'straw'mo
20. The Barmaid's Tale
21. Do Androids Drink off Electric Beer Mats?

22. Daphne du Marnier
23. Absolut Beginners
24. 'Port'noy's Complaint
25. One Hundred Years of Solid Brew
26. Farewell, My Bubbly
27. Paddy Clarke Hic Hic Hic
28. The Browning Vermouth
29. Sex on Dover Beach
30. Huckleberry Ginn

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The Unlikely Lads

By: Eeleen Lee on 4:32 pm

Set up your campsite outside the nearest multiplex my fellow bloggies! Summer is here again and the blockbusters are all lined up and ready for all discerning moviegoers-well, the ones that possess vision anyway....

We are seeing instances of off-kilter casting in big-budget action flicks this year. Despite their varying degrees of success, don't hold your breath for another studio film summer as interesting as 2008:

1) 'Indiana Jones And the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.'
Harrison Ford wears the same Feodora but he is far from old hat. A laudable, CGI-kept-to-a minimum effort although Indy maybe carrying his senior citizen's bus pass along with that bullwhip. Cate Blanchett plays a cool sexy Russian villainess- is there no limit to the woman's range?

2) 'Wanted'
James Mcavoy goes from period drama tortured hero in "Atonement" to Arse-kicking, toned-up, mentalist sexy assassin in 'Wanted'. This writer in still in post-orgas....ermmm, shock. Angelina Jolie also plays a sexy assassin..hang on, that's not a surprise...

3) 'Iron Man'
Middle-aged ladies man character actor with looong history of substance abuse, playing a middle-aged millionaire ladies man cum superhero? Not just *any* middle-aged character actor cum ladies man with looong history of substance abuse: ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Robert Downey Jr!

4) 'Batman: The Dark Knight'
(Think back to 2005, 'Batman Begins) Mid-30s character actor specializing in difficult roles cast as a millionaire playboy cum superhero? Christian Bale reconfirms his action credentials this summer. Heath Ledger gives audiences a final highlight of a brief but worthy career.

5)'HellBoy II: The Golden Army'

The villain looks like Rick Wakeman from the prog rock band Yes but no, it isn't him. Under the white wig, gold contacts and pancake stik, it's former Bros band member Luke Goss!

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The Wedding Whinger

By: Eeleen Lee on 8:43 pm

Urghhh! I've had it up to here with well-meaning (how can it mean well?) people who suggest that I get married and settle down soon.

How utterly rude and obnoxious...but fret not my fellow bloggies, if you find yourselves in a similar situation. Console and justify your irritation and disillusion with the proponents of the matrimonial institution with the following list of The Worst Songs To Play At A Wedding. Not merely the annoying or overplayed songs , but tunes so inappropriate that you are guaranteed to get ejected (and shot) by both sides. (Feel free to suggest more songs when you leave a comment):

1.'Love Will Tear Us Apart' : Joy Division

Sounds like four funerals at a wedding. Including your own funeral, if the relatives ever catch you cranking this dirge up.

2. '25 Minutes': Michael Learns To Rock.

A mawkish and inappropriate double whammy of a pop song. "25 minutes! I was 25 minutes too late!" wails the singer to the newlywed bride in the song. The title also refers to the window of time you have to escape, before the bridal party hunts you down.

3. 'The Bitterest Pill (I Ever Had To Swallow): The Jam

Most likely to get you into a jam at the wedding, because of the possible blowback: Depending on your sex, you either identify with Paul Weller's betrayed lover persona or the object of his vitriol, walking down the aisle at the beginning of the song. Blame this tune if the best man's drunken speech suddenly turns (ahem!) bitter.

4.'Imperial March, from The Empire Strikes Back' OST : John Williams

Do not attempt to play this for the couple's entrance, unless both bride and groom are hardcore Star Wars fans. Even then, you may unleash everyone's inner Rancor.

5. Stalker Songs

'Every Breath You Take' by The Police is the obvious culprit. Also try, 'If You're Not The One' by Daniel Bedingfield, Sinead O' Connor's version of 'Nothing Compares 2 U",or "You Could Be Mine",by Guns N' Roses. With that last song, you will get your share of actual guns and funerary roses.

6.'The James Bond Theme': Monty Norman

Hey you, the best man! You may feel smart and rakish when suited up, and it may have been your idea to include this theme tune in the wedding playlist, but do not invoke the presence of 007, secret agent and ladies man, at a wedding. For your ears only.

7. 'D.I.V.O.R.C.E': Tammy Wynnette

You may get lynched for playing this song but don't stop let the country theme stop there, pardner! Also try, 'Before He Cheats': Carrie Underwood and 'Achey Breaky Heart': Billy Rae Cyrus. YEEE- HAWWW!

8. The Smiths

Do not invoke the hoary 'irony/tongue-in-cheek' excuse if you want The Smiths played at a wedding. Bet your bridal bouquet that Morissey will sing and ruin the mood like the Pope Of Mope. I recommend, "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out", "I Know Its Over" and "Girlfriend In A Coma". Top it off with "How Soon Is Now",  and you should clear the hall in seconds.

9. 'Sex Dwarf': Soft Cell

You will turn faces red with this salacious song. The sleazy synth riffs, squealy sound effects and blatant lyrics about bondage and exhibitionism! If the couple are open-minded enough, they may find this tune amusing, as it maybe soundtracking their wedding night. I wouldn't vouch for their relatives, though.

10. 'Girlfriend' Avril Lavigne

Run for cover! This song sounds like a bitchy chorus of all the groom's ex-girlfriends gatecrashing the wedding. Hang on, that is exactly what they are doing.

11. 'Weird' Al Yankovic

His better-known pop song parodies and polka-medley covers will only provide mildly amusing diversions during the dinner and dance. For guaranteed mayhem, turn to 'Weird' Al's original songs. They are hilarious twists on the cliched love ballad, such as 'I Was Only Kidding' and 'One More Minute', which contains the unforgettable lyrics:"You left me at the gas-station of love and now I have to use the self-service pumps"!

12. 'This Is Not A Love Song'/ 'Death Disco', Public Image Limited

Former Sex Pistol John Lydon does dub, sampling, and dance, all accompanied by Jah Wobble's seismic bass and Keith Levene's distress-call electric guitar. Lydon is not strictly a singer; his vocals are more like 2 parts attitude mixed with 1 part banshee, with generous lashings of paint-stripper. These two songs should get those emo teenage cousins who never wanted to attend in the first place, dancing before the cake is cut.

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"Grab-Bag"- Results of Record Shop Impulse-Buying Spree.

By: Eeleen Lee on 4:50 am

"Never buy things you don't need on impulse."
"Always go shopping with a list."
"Set a budget before you go shopping."

Repeat after me: The above rules of accepted wisdom do not apply to buying music.
And this does not include downloading (legally or illegally). Just as vinyl and the analogue cassette still endure, the record shop remains. Buying your music off the Net tends to diminish the pleasure of drifting into a shop and thumbing through the racks of CDs, asking the assistant, "Hey, what's playing now?" and testing the CDs.
To hell with browsing and testing, some consumers may say, that's why we prefer to download, and skip going to the noisy shop, getting ripped off and ripping off our fingernails while trying to unwrap CDs when we get home. We like it fast, easy, cheap (or gratis) and straight into our Ipods.

Well, before you turn into a complete Pod-person, i.e develop potato-like 'eyes', rhizomes and put down roots in front of your PC, try the following experiment: Walk into the record shop and buy 5 records that quickly (within 10 minutes) catch your attention. 'What if I don't like the records?' well, you don't know until you've listened to them, right?


Here are my findings:
1. The Complete Adventures of The Style Council (1998-boxset)
I could not resist the glossy white embossed cardboard packaging, it resembles the posh packaging of gloves or ties from a high-end haberdasher or menswear shop. On paper, The Style Council should suck like one of Stephen Hawkins' theoretical mega-blackholes: ex-Jam frontman and Rickenbacker aficionado Paul Weller doing politically-tinged soul, jazz, funk and more soul? The music is stellar, and after all that new-wave shouting and mod guitar-crunching of The Jam, who knew that Paul Weller could really sing lovely haunting summertime ballads such as 'You're The Best Thing.' and 'Long Hot Summer'?


2. James-The Best Of (1998)
The quasi hippie/kindergarten class coverart intrigued me. James are best known for their Student Union jukebox staple 'Sit Down', and this compilation of 18 tracks spans their career from Smiths jingle-jangle contemporaries to baggy marginalised indie group. For an impulse buy, sheer value for money.



3. Sophie Ellis-Bextor
Trip The Light Fantastic (2007)
Say what you like about Sophie Ellis-Bextor, but eight years is a long time to have lasted in dance-pop. It may surprise you that I don't already own this. Don't let the pseudo-Tamara Lempicka artwork put you off, it is not a case of style over substance with her latest album.






4. Gotan Project
La Revancha Del Tango (2001)

The album cover seemed like a most cringeworthy visual pun, (puh-lease! 'Go tan' project? Tattooed on some model's chest!) then I realised that this was the debut album of the French trio's tango dance/ambient hybrid. You get ten eclectic tracks, which will put you in the mood for a sensual pas de deux along Pont Neuf, without getting arrested by any passing gendarmes.

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Blood and Guts: A Quick Guide To Epic Movies

By: Eeleen Lee on 4:56 pm

I luurve epic movies!- The ones with lots of clashing swords, whizzing arrrows, duelling armies and flying heads. Ever since "Gladiator" cleared a path (with a chariot) to the box office for epic movies in 2000, audiences are treated to at least two epic movies a season.

But I shall endeavour to help you navigate the battlefield of recent epic movies. This is to ensure that you end up making a victorious viewing choice, and not a defeated waste of time and money.
Follow the key abbrieviations:

1. Blood Quotient (B.Q)- (in order of increasing severity) Pinprick, Stab Wound, Arterial, Geyser

2. Head Count- Measured on a scale of 1- 100. N.B.This does not refer to the number of heads chopped off in the movie. It refers to the number of heads that you feel like chopping off after you watch the movie. Only because a good epic movie should stir up your bloodlust.

3. Number of "Lord of the Rings" (LOTR) alumni in the cast.[LOTR Alumni No.]- Acting in the LOTR movies opens up more (of the same) acting opportunities!

4. Old Fart Numbers- The number of prominent, theatrically-trained and often British and Australian actors and actresses exponentially increases with running time. They add a sense of grandiosity to the movie, and make up for the lack of acting talent displayed by the younger and beefier cast members.

5. Running Time (Numbers in brackets)-  The length of the movie. It could also refer to the number of times that you have to run to the toilet during the movie.


Gladiator (2000)
Only Russell Crowe could wear a leather skirt and look as hard as nails.
Bloodshed: Stab Wound. There's alot of stabbing and spearing but surprising little spilt blood.
Headcount: 80.
LOTR Alumni No:0 (But only because LOTR was released in the following year...)
Old Fart Numbers: 3. Richard Harris, Derek Jacobi and Oliver Reed (who died during filming)
Running time (150 minutes)

The Lord of the Rings (2001) The Fellowship of the Ring. (2002) The Two Towers,( 2003)- The Return of the King

Total running time- 540 minutes (Its a trilogy - don't panic!)
B.Q- Arterial (If you are an Orc...)
Headcount- 60. 'The Return of the King' is very disappointing and brings down the average headcount of the trilogy. But 'The Two Towers' still makes me want to lay seige to my noisy neighbour's front door.
LOTR Alumni No.- Not applicable.
Old Fart Numbers- 4. Ian Mckellen, Christopher Lee, Bernard Hill (King Theoden) John Rhys-Davies (Gimli)

Troy (120 minutes)
B.Q- Pinprick. The battle scenes are sloppily choreographed and the CGI/modelwork unconvincing.
Headcount-1. This number may refer to the head of the director, Wolfgang Petersen.
LOTR Alumni No. :2. Orlando Bloom and Sean Bean (Boromir of Gondor in LOTR)
Old Fart Numbers: 1. Peter O' Toole.

Kingdom of Heaven (140 minutes)
B.Q: Stab Wound. But most of the casualties in this movie come from catapults, arrows and boiling oil.
Headcount: 50. It is a low number but only because this film provokes some sobering thought about contemporary religious and cultural conflict.
LOTR Alumni No.-1 Orlando Bloom (AGAIN!)
Old Fart Numbers: 2. Liam Neeson, Jeremy Irons

Alexander (180 minutes)
B.Q- Pinprick. It's not a good idea to have Ptolemy (Anthony Hopkins) narrate the movie, like an overlong Greek history lecture- too much detail and not enough action. Wasn't Alexander called 'the Great' because of his ingenuity on the battlefield?
Headcount- 0. I had such a refreshing nap that I felt no need to decapitate anyone for invigoration.
LOTR Alumni No.- 0 (Orlando Bloom was busy, I guess...)
Old Fart Numbers- 25 (Alexander's council)

300 (115 minutes)
B.Q- Glorious geyser! Why were the Spartans such an effective fighting force in Ancient Greece? They fought in their underwear, which would be enough to make any enemy army lay down their weapons- and laugh themselves to death.
Headcount- 300. (Including some elephants) Grrrr! Non-violence is for wimps!
LOTR ALumni No- 1 David Wenham- he played Faramir of Gondor in LOTR.
Old Fart Numbers- 30. (The council of Spartan Elders)

(Coming Soon April 2010: Clash of the Titans)

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