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Saturday, 3 May 2008

The Wedding Whinger

Urghhh! I've had it up to here with well-meaning (how can it mean well?) people who suggest that I get married and settle down soon.

How utterly rude and obnoxious...but fret not my fellow bloggies, if you find yourselves in a similar situation. Console and justify your irritation and disillusion with the proponents of the matrimonial institution with the following list of The Worst Songs To Play At A Wedding. Not merely the annoying or overplayed songs , but tunes so inappropriate that you are guaranteed to get ejected (and shot) by both sides. (Feel free to suggest more songs when you leave a comment):

1.'Love Will Tear Us Apart' : Joy Division
Sounds like four funerals at a wedding. Including your own funeral, if the relatives ever catch you cranking this dirge up.

2. '25 Minutes': Michael Learns To Rock.
A mawkish and inappropriate double whammy of a pop song. "25 minutes! I was 25 minutes too late!" wails the singer to the newlywed bride in the song. The title also refers to the window of time you have to escape, before the bridal party hunts you down.

3. 'The Bitterest Pill (I Ever Had To Swallow): The Jam
Most likely to get you into a jam at the wedding, because of the possible blowback: Depending on your sex, you either identify with Paul Weller's betrayed lover persona or the object of his vitriol, walking down the aisle at the beginning of the song. Blame this tune if the best man's drunken speech suddenly turns (ahem!) bitter.

4.'Imperial March, from The Empire Strikes Back' OST : John Williams
Do not attempt to play this for the couple's entrance, unless both bride and groom are hardcore Star Wars fans. Even then, you may unleash everyone's inner Rancor.

5. Stalker Songs
'Every Breath You Take' by The Police is the obvious culprit. Also try, 'If You're Not The One' by Daniel Bedingfield, Sinead O' Connor's version of 'Nothing Compares 2 U",or "You Could Be Mine",by Guns N' Roses. With that last song, you will get your share of actual guns and funerary roses.

6.'The James Bond Theme': Monty Norman
Hey you, the best man! You may feel smart and rakish when suited up, and it may have been your idea to include this theme tune in the wedding playlist, but do not invoke the presence of 007, secret agent and ladies man, at a wedding. For your ears only.

7. 'D.I.V.O.R.C.E': Tammy Wynnette
You may get lynched for playing this song but don't stop let the country theme stop there, pardner! Also try, 'Before He Cheats': Carrie Underwood and 'Achey Breaky Heart': Billy Rae Cyrus. YEEE- HAWWW!

8. The Smiths
Do not invoke the hoary 'irony/tongue-in-cheek' excuse if you want The Smiths played at a wedding. Bet your bridal bouquet that Morissey will sing and ruin the mood like the Pope Of Mope. I recommend, "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out", "I Know Its Over" and "Girlfriend In A Coma". Top it off with "How Soon Is Now",  and you should clear the hall in seconds.

9. 'Sex Dwarf': Soft Cell
You will turn faces red with this salacious song. The sleazy synth riffs, squealy sound effects and blatant lyrics about bondage and exhibitionism! If the couple are open-minded enough, they may find this tune amusing, as it maybe soundtracking their wedding night. I wouldn't vouch for their relatives, though.

10. 'Girlfriend' Avril Lavigne
Run for cover! This song sounds like a bitchy chorus of all the groom's ex-girlfriends gatecrashing the wedding. Hang on, that is exactly what they are doing.

11. 'Weird' Al Yankovic
His better-known pop song parodies and polka-medley covers will only provide mildly amusing diversions during the dinner and dance. For guaranteed mayhem, turn to 'Weird' Al's original songs. They are hilarious twists on the cliched love ballad, such as 'I Was Only Kidding' and 'One More Minute', which contains the unforgettable lyrics:"You left me at the gas-station of love and now I have to use the self-service pumps"!

12. 'This Is Not A Love Song'/ 'Death Disco', Public Image Limited
Former Sex Pistol John Lydon does dub, sampling, and dance, all accompanied by Jah Wobble's seismic bass and Keith Levene's distress-call electric guitar. Lydon is not strictly a singer; his vocals are more like 2 parts attitude mixed with 1 part banshee, with generous lashings of paint-stripper. These two songs should get those emo teenage cousins who never wanted to attend in the first place, dancing before the cake is cut.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

also bad ideas: "Beat it" or "Billie Jean by Michael Jackson

"All my Exes Live in Texas", George Strait.

"Whip in my Valise", Adam and the Ants

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